Kathy Rohloff:

Use Those Coupons!

Back in May, Russ and I visited my parents. My dad had just endured a battle with skin cancer and we were not sure what to expect.

He looked great for someone rapidly approaching 81, and the four of us had a great visit. I knew for sure that he was feeling better when he broached the subject of lunch, one of my parents’ favorite topics.

Not only were they both hungry, but they wanted to treat us and go to "IHOP" with the coupons they’d collected from the Sunday papers.

It was then I noticed a pile of envelopes next to my Dad’s lounge chair. He grabbed the scissors from the end table, flourished them and said, "I’ll clip these coupons for you. I have a whole bunch of them. We’ll use all that we can."

While my mom put on fresh lipstick and brushed her hair, he sorted through his envelopes until he came to the one for restaurants. "Here they are," he grinned impishly. "This will be a good deal."

"But, Dad, we can go anywhere that you want. It doesn’t have to be IHOP," I countered.

"Oh, no, honey," Mom interjected. "They have the best coupons!"

How can you argue with that?

It took some maneuvering to get them, my mom’s duffle size purse, Dad’s walker, and the oxygen tank into the car. When everyone was settled we drove five minutes to the restaurant.

My mom brandished her handicapped parking sign for the rear view mirror, Russ attached it, and we shuffled into IHOP where we were immediately seated.

The pleasant waiter answered a myriad of questions concerning the specials for the day. Finally, we ordered and proceeded to wait for our meal.

About 10 minutes into the wait, my dad remembered that he had given me a coupon for a free appetizer. (He had, in truth given me five coupons with incredibly small print that I shoved into my jean pocket. I had no idea what was on them.)

He flagged down the waiter. "I just remembered," he said jovially. "I have a coupon for a free appetizer."

"Well, I can get you that, sir, but it won’t be here before your meal," he replied.

"Oh, that’s ok, what can I get?"

"Well, we have a variety of items...".

"Just bring me the biggest," my dad interrupted. In an aside to us he added, "It’s free. Might as well get the most that I can."

When the food came the portions were huge. We both wondered how my parents would manage their chicken fried steak dinners. One serving seemed enough for two.

As we slogged through our food, an enormous platter of fried onion rings, mozzarella sticks, steak fries, and mushrooms arrived. "Dig in. Help yourself," Dad crowed. "It’s free!"

Russ managed to sample everything, since he’d only had soup and a salad. I valiantly attempted one onion ring and gave up.

About ten minutes later, my dad remembered that he had a coupon for a free dessert. Again, his hand went up as he summoned our long-suffering waiter.

"Waiter, I have a coupon for a free dessert. I’d like to see the menu."

"Well, sir, should I bring that when you get closer to finishing your food?"

"No, I won’t be able to eat it anyway," he paused anxiously. "I can take that to go, right?"

"Sure...I’ll get the menu right away."

"Dad, don’t you think this is plenty to eat? We can’t possibly finish all of this. The table is full," I said.

"No, I don’t get out much anymore so I’m going to use the coupons. It’s all free. I love that!"

The menu was brought and my dad carefully scanned it to see which dessert looked the best. When he asked my opinion I agreed with him that fried cheesecake sounded good but if it was to go perhaps he shouldn’t get the ice cream.

"Ok, I’ll take the cheesecake. With ice cream. To go. Could you wrap that up right away?"

"Did you want me to wait until you finish your meal, sir?"

"I can’t finish this. It’s too much food. I’ll need some boxes to go."

The waiter left for the dessert and boxes. I followed the waiter and gave him all the coupons while blubbering, "Listen. I’m sorry about all of this. My father is 80 years old, fought in World War II, and greatly loves a bargain. He’s a great guy, but he doesn’t understand about coupons. I don’t even think he can read the fine print. I know that you cannot use all of these coupons. Use whatever you can, make sure the bill comes to me, and if his appetizer and dessert are not free, do not under any circumstances let him know. It would ruin his day."

Somehow the manager allowed us to use three coupons by issuing three separate checks. Unfortunately, that meant that my father got two coupons returned to him for future use.

After handing our waiter a very large tip, we processed out of the restaurant amidst a flurry of boxes and bags.

As my dad settled in the back seat, he sighed happily, "I just love a good bargain."

My mom whispered to me, "I get a kick out of him when he does that. He’s so cute."

We got them safely home and surrounded by enough food for the evening meal and a large snack. As they waved good-bye from the front porch, Russ said, "That was an experience!"

"Yeah, but dad got his bargains."

"And dessert. Hey, I thought he had diabetes?" Russ asked.

"He does, but it doesn’t matter. It’s the deal that counts!"