An Interview
With Nika Graci

Nika Gracie, 23, is a legal advocate at Safeline, a non-profit organization located in Chelsea, that is dedicated to aiding Vermont women who are the victims of domestic abuse and sexual violence. Through its 24/7 phone hotline and educational outreach programs, Safeline works toward keeping violence out of homes and communities in Orange and Northern Windsor Counties. Nika majored in anthropology at UVM after graduating from RUHS. She currently resides in Randolph, and was willing to share her thoughts on the violence that contnues to occur behind closed doors.

Herald: What kind of obstacles are there for women leaving an abusive situation?

Nika Graci: One of the barriers is the social pressure put on women, the victim-blaming. A lot of times we ask questions like, "what was she doing to deserve this," "was there alcohol involved," "what was she wearing," "why does she keep going back," instead of asking, "how is it possible that in 2007 one in three women are going to be victimized during their lifetime?" One important thing we can do as a community is to start changing the conversation about "why she stays" to "why does he abuse."

Another barrier is the lack of a support system. A lot of times that's a tactic of abuse so that women have lost their relationships with their family members and friends. It's easy to become completely isolated in Vermont, especially if you don't have transportation, and a lot of women I worked with as an economic advocate had lost their licenses for reasons directly related to their abuse.

Another issue is the financials. They may have been economically abused in the past, lacking the basic skills to market, and unfortunately, a lot of women fall through the cracks of our system right now.

Finding a place to live is another issue. There's an incredible lack of affordable housing in this area and throughout the country. Unfortunately, shelters are stigmatized, and they're also communal living. A lot of women are fearful of breaking up their families--they don't want to move into a shelter and have to put their children through that.

Not to mention the actual fear of violence. Most homicides occur after somebody leaves; that's just how it goes. Abusers tend to get desperate when they feel that they're losing power and control, so when they feel that they're losing that control, that's often when they'll become desperate, that's often when the violence will happen. If you look at the homicides in Vermont, they're largely related to domestic violence.

So it's a real fear for women, and a lot of times, understandably, they would rather have the knowledge of where their abuser is and live with the abuse than have to be looking over their shoulder the whole time.

The last thing is that just undergoing the emotional abuse over and over really does erode your self confidence and sense of self worth so after a period of time you really stop believing that you deserve more.

H: What are the keys for women who do successfully leave abusive situations?

N.G.: They say generally that it takes an average of six or seven times to leave and become fully independent of the abuse. The women that I've witnessed firsthand being more successful have had a really strong family support.

During the abuse family ties and support may have wavered a bit, but afterward the family was able to offer that support, financial or housing or transportation. Connecting with service providers can be really useful, but there's no guarantee, unfortunately.

It's an incredibly difficult thing, and a lot of times there aren't warning signs. A lot of times I hear women say that they got married and he changed overnight, or gradually started becoming more and more over time, so it's difficult. Any of us can find ourselves in this situation. It's truly a crime that can happen to you no matter what religion, what ethnicity, what socioeconomic class you are, what your education is. It can happen to anybody.

H: Is there an underlying cultural cause of abuse?

N.G.: I think it has a lot to do with traditional women's roles. Oppression of women goes back centuries. Women still only make 75 cents to the dollar. If we're going to change this, it's going to have to be through the empowerment of women, the education of our youth, and changing what it means to be a man. And what it means to be a woman.

H: So to solve the problem of domestic violence, will that mean other parts of our culture have to change? What will that look like?

N.G.: Even just changing the nuances of language is part of the solution. I did an analysis about the way that newspapers cover domestic violence. Just recently, the woman in Thetford [Carmen Tarleton, whose estranged husband allegedly broke into her home and doused her with the lye, burning 80 percent of her body], was referred to as "a woman burned" in the headline. What does that mean, you know, sunburned? How much more impact would that article have had if the headline had said, "perpetrator of domestic abuse pours lye on woman?"

Even "violence against women," a motto of the entire movement, is written in the passive voice- it doesn't name an actor, so without those linguistic mechanics there, our language is reinforcing a cultural ideology.

I think there's a responsibility there for each of us to change our language, to be cognizant of what messages we're sending and watching and taking in. It's hard to constantly be vigilant and thoughtful about everything, but I think it's easier than people think it is to make those changes. To not laugh at a dumb blonde joke, to be a proactive bystander. I think it starts at that level.

H: How did you get interested in these issues, and what do you like about your job?

N.G.: I have an incredibly strong mother. Recently we were watching old videotapes, and for my third birthday I got a cooking set. In the background I can hear my mom saying, "but you can do more than just cook, you can be whatever you want to be, you don't have to bake!" So she's been really tremendous and inspirational my entire life, not just in terms of what a woman looks like, but also what a woman deserves.

My dad was always incredibly respectful of my mother, so I was able to grow up with a wonderful model of what can be in terms of respect for another.

Safeline is the most challenging, thought-provoking organization because of its non-judgmental philosophy. It challenges me every day to truly embrace other women because of who they are, and because our struggles are the same. It's something I can be truly passionate about and believe in a hundred percent. That's why I do what I do. I got tired of just complaining to the radio and the television and I wanted to do something. And I grew up here, so I have a stake in seeing the change happen and being a part of it.

H: What advice would you give to young people in Vermont who'd like to make a difference in this way?

N.G.: If an issue is close to your heart, don't be afraid to go to it.