Let’s Tax Air
And Water (Really)

Some say the role of the court jester is of a by-gone era. Others insist it isn’t so, pointing a finger at the goings on down in our capitol.

The following tax plan is presented in a jester’s fashion for a couple of reasons. First, any talk of a new tax is akin to making rhubarb juice. You’ve got to consider a sweetener before you could think of swallowing it. Secondly, it is hoped that humor might mask those devilish little details that would surely expose the ignorance of the author.

Let’s give up on taxing property altogether. We’ll briefly rejoice in our new sense of tax freedom, perhaps even releasing the Browns of New Hampshire as a gesture of good tax will. The property tax is as antiquated as shooting buffalo from flat cars. Although it might appear you’ve got a target-rich environment, one goes down and an even bigger one takes its place. Alas, in a very short time, you’ve delivered the species to the brink of extinction (the working landowners of Vermont).

Now for the new tax plan. We’ll begin by establishing air and water as a public trust. Then tax the lien against that trust. Both air and water are measurable by volume as well as particles. Both these life-giving substances are as valuable to the next generation as to this one.

Now that we’ve got the tax person salivating and the wary old Vermonter saying, "I told you dear, those b--------s would someday tax our dying breath, as well as our parched lips," we might want to assure the readers that there is no tax advantage in holding your breath (unless you smoke).

It might seem a bit awkward to look out at the aft engine of the 747 that is whisking you to the wilds of the Galapagos Islands and seeing your friendly locally-elected lister clinging to the fuselage calculating your share of air intake and particle output. All air intake manifolds, from weed whackers to aircraft, would be taxed. All groundwater deterrents (roof paint, driveways, foundation, parking lots, blacktop, water sales, etc.) would be taxed.

In an effort for our tax plan to cope with the effects of globetrotting corporations, migrating populations, energy crunch, global warming and the many faces of terror, we’ll establish a consortium of international scientists to document global climate change. They’ll be armed with a google site that has the capacity to translate every language from Arabic to Swahili.

Using hard science, the consortium would reward ways of life that least impact global climate change. Conversely, it would offer incentives to developed countries who showed the greatest decreases in greenhouse gases. This end play around the quagmire of political ideology is already happening. New herds of buffalo are on the horizon and planet earth is a beneficiary.

I can almost visualize it as if it were now—Amanda Brigham having a conversation with her great-granddaughter, who has dropped down to visit her and do a little earthy shopping: "When I was a young girl, the Supreme Court of this great state of Vermont ruled that all its school children were entitled to substantially equal access to tax revenues. The legislators made the grievous error of defining the taxable wealth of a community by its grand list. Only later, did they come to see the errors of their ways and adopt an earth-conscious tax model, and that has made all the difference."

Grammy, could you beam up to Mars with us for the holidays? Oh, please.

The Jester, Peter Chap

Royalton

____________